Ok ya’ll. We need to chat about some major life issues. I mean come on. I feel like I should start like this…
Hi, I’m Kelly. And I forget stuff.
Growing up my mom always told me I had a one track mind. I had zero concept of what this meant. I just knew it frustrated her that once I had my mind-set to something, I couldn’t let it go. And now I have a kid who is the exact. same. way. Well, the type A high-strung version of me.
I was always the “laid” back one with very little worry or anxiety about anything. Then, I grew up. I became the laid back mom with a husband, family and friends, a job, sports, homework and Lord help me, the future of 3 little people in my super incapable hands(or at least what feels like incapable some of the time). Not to be overly self deprecating but to be true, we are all somewhat incapable are we not? This parenting thing is HARD. And none of us really know what we’re doing when they tell us we can leave the hospital with a real live human. So we do our very best.
Often my best just seems less than. I do have a one track mind. Just like my mom said. I’m also very out of sight out of mind, which makes for a lot of OH SHOOT moments in my life. I forgot a kid last week.
A KID for the love of Pete (my friend Anna’s favorite term…and I just love her even more for it).
Jake was at a friend’s house all afternoon, and it was only a few days after he had gotten back from being away at camp for the week. So, in my defense, I had just gotten used to the silence. Horrible I know.
Anyway, I was supposed to pick him up on my way to Josh’s basketball game and ya’ll, I got myself, Josh and Lila in the car and drove straight to Josh’s game feeling the whole way like I was missing…mmmm..something? Yes, something. My first-born. That real live human they let us leave the hospital with 9 years ago.
This happens to me all the time. I forget. If it’s not written on a post it note and stuck to my forehead, or if Siri fails to remind me, then I forget stuff. Things get a bit jumbled up in ma brain. Can you relate? Like I’m just not the mom that keeps everything in place and organized. It takes a ton of work for me to do that. Because it doesn’t come naturally. It doesn’t mean I’m incapable of organization or keeping things together, it just takes a bit more work for me.
It has absolutely no bearing on how much I love my kids or the people in my life. And the same can be said for you if you find yourself in my shoes. The same shoes that let’s not forget, I lost 2 days prior to my last marathon(Lila took them but still).
For the longest time, and here’s where we get a bit real and raw, I brushed this off as “part of my personality.” And a lot of the time, it is. It’s totally not intentional when I just don’t show up to an appointment or a practice for the kids. I forget. But as I’ve gotten older, it’s become a major source of insecurity for me. Other mom’s this or other mom’s that. Why can’t I keep my head on straight and keep our lives flowing in seamless harmony all the time? Why can’t I be more like her.
I get insecure in relationships thinking if I don’t call someone enough or check in often enough or make enough lunch dates that I’ll disappoint. If I get focussed on one major thing happening and can’t keep a lot of other things on my plate, will people not like me?
For the pleaser in me, this thought is terrifying.
But, I’m working on it. God is constantly reminding me that my worth is not in how many phone call’s I make a day or how many text’s I send. It’s not in how well I organize my kitchen or how many meals we may or may not grab on the way to a double-header. It’s not in my ability to get the kids projects all in on time or make it to that PTA meeting. It’s just not. While all of those things are important and have their place, it’s not what gives me worth.
So, grace is where it’s at. None of us are perfect. We all have flaws. We all have different personalities. We’re all different. But that doesn’t make or break you as a mother. There is more to this crazy life and there is more to parenting. Digging deep with your kids and getting in the trenches with them as they grow. Laughing with them. Showing them that you ARE HUMAN and that you make mistakes. Showing them God’s love through you. Making moments teachable and enjoying their company. Loving them unconditionally….organized calendar or not.
So, I’m trying to worry less about what it might cause other’s to think about me, and concern myself more with how God sees it. How did I handle the oh crap moment(moments). Did I keep things calm and use it as a lesson for myself and my kids? Not always. But it’s my goal. To use these weaknesses for good and do my darndest to get better at some things. And in the meantime, to welcome some grace.