The Unraveling

Maybe you could bare with me this morning as I vent.  Maybe you need to vent too and we can just do it together.  This morning I felt completely unraveled.  Defeated by all things motherhood and responsibility and order.  I have a husband who travels and a toddler who likes to sit and throw fits and kids who have been asking for money like it grows on trees.  Yes, all parents say that.  She sat screaming for the entire neighborhood to hear while I took the trashcans to the curb.  And of course, I took her picture as she yelled “no don’t do that!”  Mom of the year.  But I needed you to see the unraveling that was this morning.

It’s not always the big things is it?  So much of the time for me it’s the daily.  It’s the mundane things that should be nothing, that cause me to feel as though I’m at the threshold of my sanity.  It’s the kids begging for money for a fundraiser so they can get just as many prizes as, and I quote, “all the other kids in their class.”  It’s the said fit throwing toddler and the disaster of a kitchen.  It’s last night’s dinner dishes in the sink and lunches that need to be made, because I love to procrastinate.  It’s the homework that was forgotten and the Valentines cards, unaddressed, on the counter the day your kids need to take them to school.

Am I the only mom who struggles with feeling unraveled at the simplest and dumbest of things?  It’s not cancer or the loss of a parent.  It’s not poverty or lack of warmth or hopelessness.  It’s a warm home with more than I could ever have imagined.  It’s having everything I need to survive and more.  And yet, I can still feel the need to lose my cool.  To feel overwhelmed.  To feel stress and pressure and like I have absolutely failed as a parent.  And the guilt that comes with feeling this way over seemingly meaningless things.

Of course, that’s not true.  I haven’t failed.  And neither have you.  It’s the daily grind of life and I’m learning it’s ok if at times it feels unbearable.  I understand how blessed I am to live in a country with freedoms that I didn’t earn.  I understand that I have food on my table and clothing on my back.  My kids are healthy, albeit a little greedy lately, but healthy nonetheless.  Sometimes I make myself crazy feeling as though, in light of all we have(and I don’t mean extra’s, I’m talking essentials here, though there are extra’s too) that I have absolutely no right or place to complain or feel anything but joy and butterflies all the time.  If I can’t handle the daily stuff how will I handle the “biggies” that WILL come with this life.  God, how on earth will I handle tragedy and suffering and heart ache if the very act of making lunches at the last minute stresses me to the max?

“My grace is sufficient for you.  For my power is made perfect in your weakness.”  My weaknesses.  All of them.  So many of them.  I may not be the mom who has a heart shaped place mat on my table this week with heart shaped pancakes.  Honestly, I don’t even know off the top of my head what day Valentines falls on, and it’s like a few days away.  We have some big things on our plate right now.  Bigger than the parties and bigger than getting the trashcans to the curb on time.  Sometimes, I get distracted by those big life things and forget to exercise patience and grace and love in the little things.  But, I know God’s grace is sufficient and His mercies are new every morning.  I know that when I lose it over stupid things and when I feel my life is unraveling all around me and that it lacks all sense of order, that He will give me what I need in that moment.

I think it’s ok to feel stress over the little things.  It reminds me of my humanness and points out the areas that need some work.  It reminds me that there are bigger things happening in this world and maybe I just need to sit down and re-evaluate.  It’s not something that should cause me to feel guilt all the hours of all the days.  It’s a reminder.  It’s a way to relate to the masses because we all feel this way at times.  It’s normal.  But it doesn’t have to control me or my day.  I can have a morning where things come undone and still regather some order to the world around me.  I can make a choice to apologize to my kids.  Josh asked last night if I was in my “angry mode.”  I didn’t realize I had a mode that could be so plainly labeled, but apparently I do.  And apparently I have a little work to do.  We all do.  And that’s ok.

So, what does all this mean?  It means we had a rough morning.  It means I’ll get up from this screen and run to the kitchen and throw sucker’s onto Lila’s Valentines and put on a bra and a hat.  It means I will take Lila to school and come home and clean my house, get some order back into my life and start anew when I pick my kids up from school today.  It means I’ll go to the library to study for my NASM exam that is looming and scaring the life out of me, because I don’t want to fail.  It means I’ll make dinner and go through the daily today thankful that God allows us new and fresh moments.  That the morning doesn’t define me or my day.  And for that, I’m extremely thankful.

10 comments on “The Unraveling

  1. Michelle,
    I literally cried reading your response. My heart broke. Praying peace for you and for trust. Praying for your girl. That she’ll understand the borders and respect them. That she’ll see how very much she’s loved and her heart will change. Ugh. Parenting is so hard and I know we haven’t even chipped the ice burg yet. Hang in there momma. Lots of prayers for you and your sweet family today. Thanks for reading and for your words, as always, they are such a blessing.

  2. HA!! I’m so laughing out loud. I feel that way when I suddenly can’t get full and only want burgers and chocolate, oh and when I want to bite everyone’s heads off for no reason=) Love the love challenge idea and thanks for the encouragement. Today has been wonderful and sunny and nice. Comes in waves=)

  3. karen, no…I do too haha. I read a book called Unglued several years ago. It may be time to pull it back out!! I let my kids buy lunch on Friday’s too, made my oldest track down a pencil so I could sign his binder and my 2 year old is usually planted in front of the TV by 7:30….AM. Feel better? HA! Glad to know we’ve got each other’s backs =)

  4. Kylie…always love your wisdom and insight=) Love your take away’s from church and again you are going to be an amazing momma one of these days. Thanks for taking the time to encourage me through all this parenting wonderful craziness. Lots of love girly and yes, bed always makes things better haha!

  5. Today I had to send my 17year old (the baby) home with her sister who lives 17 hours away from me because she didn’t want to live here anymore. She just can’t do the rules. Life with a few borders. Chores, time limits on computer time, no boys that we don’t know, simple things. On Tuesday I had to watch her pack a bag and proceed to walk out of my house. Where was she going? I don’t know. The girl has no money, no phone, and no transportation.Breathing for the past three days has been my accomplishments. My troubles read a bit bigger than yours at the moment but they are the same. Trust in the Lord with all your heart….Keep your eyes on Him ….or you will miss that peace that passes all understanding. We have an enemy that is seeking (constantly) to devour us. Some days he is small like a termite and others he comes in like an elephant either way they are distractions from our life source. We aren’t failures as long as we get back up. There is only failure when we give up. James puts things in a way that makes me want to push forward. (“James 1:2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; 3 knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. 4 But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”) Oh, to be lacking nothing. Patience, do Your work!

    Thanks for your blog and all that you share!!

    Galatians 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

  6. Had one of those days yesterday and was relieved to pull out my trusty menstrual calendar (yep I have that app) and see that I was 4 days away from a period…oh what sweet relief to know there was at least an “excuse” for my inability to handle my husband watching me fix my dang hair for crying out loud. Some days are tougher than others but after raising two kidos to adulthood and knowing I didn’t screw them up too bad when I can tell you is the best thing in the world for your kids is to experience a real life mom who IS NOT PERFECT!! Who gives grace but also accepts it for herself. You will be able to handle big things and little things and none will always be easy but you are a fighter for sure girl….and you will definitely survive all that is thrown at you. My friend Holly has been doing a 14 day “love challenge” breaking down a bible verse….it’s been so good for me.

  7. Is it wrong that I feel like this A LOT? That I didn’t sign my daughter’s daily folder today because I couldn’t find a pen? That I now let my kids buy lunch on Fridays bc it’s one less day to pack? That my 4 year old is watching a show bc I need a break ALREADY?
    I get it – this motherhood thing is HARD.

  8. Amen to all of that! I feel it so much right now. Struggling to have the energy to keep the house clean and groceries stocked. Then, got an injury in the last 5 weeks of marathon training. I’m feeling pressure and frustration. I know that God is still faithful. I’m sure there is much to be gained as we ask him to be our teacher. I’ll pray for both of us today, Kel! xoxo

  9. The message at church this weekend was about joy…and ever since Sunday, I have been forcing myself to find joy in every day. I keep getting annoyed with the smallest details of the day and snapping at people who have done nothing wrong. One takeaway from church –> Your last paragraph says it all. Yes your morning felt terribly overwhelming, but sometimes you can’t control those things. You can control your attitude. So you are choosing to find joy. Good job. 🙂 And my other takeaway from church…sometimes you just need to go to bed. Hahaha. Hopefully your day starts to look up and you aren’t feeling that way by tonight!! Happy Thursday lady! You are a great mom. 🙂

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