Maybe you could bare with me this morning as I vent. Maybe you need to vent too and we can just do it together. This morning I felt completely unraveled. Defeated by all things motherhood and responsibility and order. I have a husband who travels and a toddler who likes to sit and throw fits and kids who have been asking for money like it grows on trees. Yes, all parents say that. She sat screaming for the entire neighborhood to hear while I took the trashcans to the curb. And of course, I took her picture as she yelled “no don’t do that!” Mom of the year. But I needed you to see the unraveling that was this morning.
It’s not always the big things is it? So much of the time for me it’s the daily. It’s the mundane things that should be nothing, that cause me to feel as though I’m at the threshold of my sanity. It’s the kids begging for money for a fundraiser so they can get just as many prizes as, and I quote, “all the other kids in their class.” It’s the said fit throwing toddler and the disaster of a kitchen. It’s last night’s dinner dishes in the sink and lunches that need to be made, because I love to procrastinate. It’s the homework that was forgotten and the Valentines cards, unaddressed, on the counter the day your kids need to take them to school.
Am I the only mom who struggles with feeling unraveled at the simplest and dumbest of things? It’s not cancer or the loss of a parent. It’s not poverty or lack of warmth or hopelessness. It’s a warm home with more than I could ever have imagined. It’s having everything I need to survive and more. And yet, I can still feel the need to lose my cool. To feel overwhelmed. To feel stress and pressure and like I have absolutely failed as a parent. And the guilt that comes with feeling this way over seemingly meaningless things.
Of course, that’s not true. I haven’t failed. And neither have you. It’s the daily grind of life and I’m learning it’s ok if at times it feels unbearable. I understand how blessed I am to live in a country with freedoms that I didn’t earn. I understand that I have food on my table and clothing on my back. My kids are healthy, albeit a little greedy lately, but healthy nonetheless. Sometimes I make myself crazy feeling as though, in light of all we have(and I don’t mean extra’s, I’m talking essentials here, though there are extra’s too) that I have absolutely no right or place to complain or feel anything but joy and butterflies all the time. If I can’t handle the daily stuff how will I handle the “biggies” that WILL come with this life. God, how on earth will I handle tragedy and suffering and heart ache if the very act of making lunches at the last minute stresses me to the max?
“My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in your weakness.” My weaknesses. All of them. So many of them. I may not be the mom who has a heart shaped place mat on my table this week with heart shaped pancakes. Honestly, I don’t even know off the top of my head what day Valentines falls on, and it’s like a few days away. We have some big things on our plate right now. Bigger than the parties and bigger than getting the trashcans to the curb on time. Sometimes, I get distracted by those big life things and forget to exercise patience and grace and love in the little things. But, I know God’s grace is sufficient and His mercies are new every morning. I know that when I lose it over stupid things and when I feel my life is unraveling all around me and that it lacks all sense of order, that He will give me what I need in that moment.
I think it’s ok to feel stress over the little things. It reminds me of my humanness and points out the areas that need some work. It reminds me that there are bigger things happening in this world and maybe I just need to sit down and re-evaluate. It’s not something that should cause me to feel guilt all the hours of all the days. It’s a reminder. It’s a way to relate to the masses because we all feel this way at times. It’s normal. But it doesn’t have to control me or my day. I can have a morning where things come undone and still regather some order to the world around me. I can make a choice to apologize to my kids. Josh asked last night if I was in my “angry mode.” I didn’t realize I had a mode that could be so plainly labeled, but apparently I do. And apparently I have a little work to do. We all do. And that’s ok.
So, what does all this mean? It means we had a rough morning. It means I’ll get up from this screen and run to the kitchen and throw sucker’s onto Lila’s Valentines and put on a bra and a hat. It means I will take Lila to school and come home and clean my house, get some order back into my life and start anew when I pick my kids up from school today. It means I’ll go to the library to study for my NASM exam that is looming and scaring the life out of me, because I don’t want to fail. It means I’ll make dinner and go through the daily today thankful that God allows us new and fresh moments. That the morning doesn’t define me or my day. And for that, I’m extremely thankful.