Goals……ahhhh!! Seriously, what in the world?!?
Lately I’ve been wrestling with this whole, “what in the world is wrong with me and why can’t I climb out of this rut?” thing. My sweet friend Katie over at Katiesfitscript echo’s my sentiments often. I read one of her posts last week about injuries, and while my circumstances differ a bit, I totally locked in on the heartbeat behind her post. Yes Katie girl, I so get it.
She didn’t want to gripe, and I don’t either. But these are our blogs right? Our outlets? Our “vent centers” if you will. And I just need to vent. I should write something helpful like how to properly train for a marathon or my best tips for taking your family on a ski vacation or something deeply spiritual, and I’ll get there, but not today. So please excuse me while I vent.
I’m insanely frustrated at my lack of progress in pretty much every goal I have set over the past two years. Hello, dramatic much? But maybe you can relate.
My focus these days is more on my kids and family, not that it wasn’t before, but we’ve just hit a totally different life stage. My kids and the circumstances of their lives demand more these days. And my heart beats for my family, therefore, the reasons behind my so-called “failings” in all my side gigs are in all actuality, the best things about my life. So how then could I call them obstacles or things that stand in the way of my goals? Welcome to my dilemma. Ergo, my drama.
Also, compounded with my frustration, is my guilt over feeling this way. Agh. It’s like a seriously vicious cycle that isn’t getting me anywhere productive. How in the world do I juggle and balance this act of motherhood(insert whatever you might consider your primary role or roles) with all these things I also want to do on the side? My goals. My dreams (many of which include our kids and marriage, they aren’t solely mine, like traveling and giving our kids new and unique experiences, if that makes any sense at all) and my aspirations? It’s ok to have them. Goals and dreams that is. God designed us to dream, and I am a dreamer in the greatest sense. I love to aspire. But lately, if I’m being completely honest, dreaming has become a bit depressing. It’s just become more confirmation of my stuckness.
Over the past two years, I’ve come into the absolutely BEST place I have probably ever been as a mom and a wife. I love this stage. We can travel well and all enjoy many of the same things. Lila is no longer too little to have to do little kid things while the boys do big kid things(for the most part) and we are spending more time as a family. I also love love love having my kids friends around. Our house is a bit of a revolving door of middle schooler’s and 3rd grade boys. All the Battlefront and Oreo’s and spicy Dorito’s keep them coming, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
At the same time, even with all the kids in school, life is busier now than it has ever been. I no longer go to the gym every morning at 10am during the mid morning lull that you have with toddler’s and babies. I don’t need that outing like I used to. Now, I wrestle with whether I should tackle the laundry, the dishes, the dinner prep, wash the uniforms, work on the blog, walk the dogs, sit in absolute silence and solitude with a book, write workouts for clients, pick up dog poop, clean the pool, organize my pantry, or go to the gym. It used to be higher on the list. It’s not that my health or exercise isn’t important, it is, and I still love it as much as I ever have, but I have found it harder to prioritize. I have literally written out at least 4-5 training plans over the past couple of years, all to no avail. I’ve just found that my attitude toward busy and crazy and cramming and training and squeezing it all in is, well, tired. I just don’t have the same gusto that I used to.
And that drives me absolutely crazy. Where is my gusto!?!
I miss it desperately.
There is part of my soul that wrestles with how to do the most important things while keeping a handle on other goals I have and actually following through with them. And I feel guilty for being frustrated about such superficial things like a few extra pounds or missed races in light of the amazing gift and opportunity that is being Rob’s wife and my kids mom. I know how special that is. I know it’s more important than all these extra things. I know that it’ll be over and gone before I know it. They’ll be in driving (may the Lord be with us all) or headed off to college. And I know I will desperately (picture me, curled up in the fetal position in a corner of my empty quiet house crying like a baby) miss this season.
I also know it’s absolutely life-giving to have goals and work towards things that I <you> enjoy. I can’t figure out how to do it like I used to, and I can’t figure out why I seem to be making such little progress. Wether it’s a sick kid, an injury(seriously it’s ridiculous, broken toe, tendonitis, hip issues, spine issues…must I continue? Getting old is the royal pits), sinus infections, surgeries, travel etc, I just can’t seem to get going.
My mileage has stalled at 8 (I know this is nothing to frown upon, again, bring on the guilt I feel for even typing these boo hoo poor me words, when there are many, so many, who can’t run at all. I know I am being such a baby! Admitting it is the first step in healing, right?) and I can’t seem to make it to a single starting line. I have said I’d blog more, and I’m still here, every couple of weeks, writing and posting, but it’s nowhere close to what my ultimate goal would be for this blog. My goals seem empty and lacking and simply unable to get off the ground. So, why do I ramble all of this ridiculousness for you to read?
Because it matters. It’s what makes me/us human.
It matters that you and I understand that life rolls in seasons. It’s ok to get frustrated.
It’s ok to get stuck.
It’s ok to need to relate on some level to someone who gets it, even if your “it” is relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of life’s bigger things. It’s ok to vent. It’s ok to have goals. It’s ok to fail. It’s ok to change the goals. It’s ok to make some sacrifices to get to the goals, as long as it is within the well-being of your body, work, family, marriage etc. It’s ok.
It’s ok to get stuck on some seemingly superficial things now and then.
Ya’ll, in the fall of 2014 I was training for a marathon using the Hanson Method(very high weekly mileage, think running 6 days a week, literally ALL YOU FREAKING DO IS RUN), caring for an 18 month old with two other kids, one in elementary school and one in pre-school, taking my NASM personal trainer certification course, while managing a house, a traveling husband and this blog as well as volunteering at my son’s school, not to mention sports and church activities and friends and ahhhh! I mean what in the actual heck? Who was that person??
How did I do all of that ha?!
I have no idea. Somehow it just worked. And I’ve yet to carry a load that heavy since. In fact, it seems all I can manage is my family and adequate exercise to maintain general health and fitness, but all the extra’s have been put on hold. And the thing is, I can’t live in the Fall of 2014. It is currently January of 2018 and I need to royally get over it. I need to live in the moment, goals met, or goals missed.
This Christmas break was crazy. There was Christmas. I took the kids to Tennessee, came home for 3 days, left for Colorado, came home with a kid with the flu and a crap load of zero motivation to start tackling any of my goals for this year, and to top if all off I’m having sinus surgery this Thursday. And it’s cold people. Like all you want to do is curl up in front of the fireplace with a good book kind of cold. I mean, a tan would go a long way right now for the self esteem and motivation.
And I’ve decided, again, that grace is where it must be. Grace is where I must land or I will surely go insane. I have to remember every, EVERY, good and perfect gift is from above. Every. Single. One.
Even if it doesn’t feel good. Being stuck in the house with a sick kid is a bummer, but it’s not the worst thing in the world AT ALL. This dead of winter can feel a bit depressing as everyone seems to be battling something.
I was able to be mommy this week and care for and love on my sick one. What a gift! Even through the whining, hers and mine, it was and is a gift. Ah. Why do I fail so often to see the daily as a gift? I focus on the next thing, not the current thing. And I miss what’s right in front of me because it isn’t written on my calendar or racing journal as a big meaty goal. Every aspect of my life is good because every aspect of my life comes from a good God. It all comes from the One who knows exactly what I need. He knows my deepest desires and loves. He knows my goals. And He knows that what is on my plate right now is what is best, for me.
Thursday I’ll have sinus surgery to attempt to correct and manage my chronic sinus infections. Instead of seeing this as yet another setback, I can choose to see it as a blessing. It’s a privilege to have access to healthcare. It’s a gift to get healthy and well. I know I sound like a broken record and bla bla poor me but seriously, this is part of life. A life lived well, I believe, is in large part due to the attitude with which we face our circumstances. If we can walk into them with gratitude and humility, taking on our responsibilities and rejoicing in them, even when they aren’t what we choose, we absolutely receive the blessing. The blessing of knowing God more intimately when we lean into Him. The blessing of encouraging others. The blessing of humility and gratitude. Because these attitudes put our hearts in a position of praise.
I guess the point to all of this is that there is great value in facing our goals, met or unmet, with an attitude of thanksgiving and perseverance. This is my STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF post……to myself. And maybe to you to, if you have found yourself in the same boat.
Living in a perpetual state of self pitty is not healthy. It doesn’t do anything productive, and instead holds us back from ever aspiring to anything. So, I’m going to keep setting goals, even if none of them pan out the way I plan. If we don’t meet said goal because of something more important, then that my friends is not failure, it’s a goal that wasn’t meant for that season. So, push it to the next season and try try again.
Thank you for listening to my ramblings. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for allowing me to be human and transparent and blunt in all my struggles, however silly they might be at times. It’s healing. Words are healing. And now, I’m off to enjoy this beautiful chilling day. Stay warm and well!!!!