Gather round close running friends. We have some things to discuss that need to be brought out in the open. We need to air out our hidden secrets. Because the longer I’m immersed in this particular sport, the more I realize one truth……
Runners are gross.
Our conversations, or blog posts, revolve around digestive problems and blisters, weekly mileage and what type of fuel we prefer for our tempo run or what speed shoe we prefer for our 400’s. We are nerds. But here’s the thing………we all need a peek into reality yes? In a world where we are constantly bombarded with snap shots of peoples lives, which are often just the best moments, it’s good for the soul to unload some real. And ya’ll know this is my favorite kind of post. So let’s get to it. Let’s unload.
This is the unspoken(except not) stuff that happens on our runs when non one is watching. Or are they? Whenever something stupid or embarrassing happens on a run I always assume some neighbor has to be peeking out their window laughing hysterically at the idiot, i.e. me……tripping or squatting behind a bush. Not that I’ve ever done the bush thing. But I know you guys have……
“For my first half marathon I knew that the one thing I needed to have along with me was chapstick. I can’t handle having dry lips in my day-to-day life, and my lips get crazy dry when I run. It’s mental, like so much of running is, but I can’t focus on anything if my lips are bothering me. The morning of the race I got my physio tape on, my phone ready, my gels ready, and put a nice thick coat of chapstick on right before the race started. Around mile 8 I NEEDED to reapply! The race was getting really hard at that point, and on top of my body wanting me to stop punishing it, I needed my sweet, sweet chapstick. But it was NOWHERE to be found. I had literally everything else, but not “my precious”. Whatever. Finish the race, freak. (So I did). Back at the house I went right to the bathroom to take a nice, long bath. When I stripped off ye olde sports bra, there was a nice little “click” on the floor…where my chapstick had fallen. I put my chapstick in my cleavage and completely forgot about putting it there. I Guess there’s a plus side to having a large chest and wearing a serious as heck sports bra, because I never felt ANYTHING move in there. I’ll remember the sound of my chapstick hitting the tile floor of the bathroom forever.”
“True confessions on the run: I do not have a restroom on most of my running paths, therefore…. I may or may not have my own private pit stop on one specific street in my town!! I witnessed a woman in my last race sneak off into the woods with a cup of Gatorade, then she proceeded to place the cup in her running tights between her legs to relieve herself. She came back to the path, threw away the cup and continued to run. I felt sorry for fans who gave her high fives!”
“#1-mentally I can’t run until I’ve had coffee, so, sometimes runner’s gut hits unexpectedly and I rout my run around gas stations and Starbucks for a pit stop.
#2-I run faster with friends!”
“Sometimes when I’m running and I decide to stop for a minute, I always stop my clock on my Nike running app. By doing this, I don’t affect my time or pace for that day’s run. Really, I’m only cheating myself because the clock doesn’t stop on race day! But, I don’t see myself stopping this habit anytime soon.” See…..we’re nothing if we’re not precise.
“During marathon training I was out for an early (before light) run and HAD to go and not #1, so I turned off my headlamp and ducked behind a tree off the main road – 1st time EVER I had to do this!! I certainly helped fertilize some plants!!”
“There is a cider mill about 3-1/2 miles down my local trail that has a restroom open to the public. I always bring some money with me just in case I need a doughnut.” Runners need sugary goodness from time to time. No shame there.
“I had my ear buds in and was lost in my running. I blew a snot rocket and it landed on a fellow runner behind me. That day I learned to turn my music down and be more aware of my surroundings.”
Here are some of my own run-fessions…….
~I hate the smell of sweat. Mine I’m totally ok with, but other people’s makes me want to vomit. Ask my poor husband who leaves his sweaty hats and water bottles all over my(mostly clean) kitchen counter after EVERY run. Clearly it’s something I’m totally cool with.
~My favorite pre run snack is a chocolate chip cookie dipped in peanut butter. True story. And yes, I am a personal trainer. Just whatever about it.
~I’ve been known to scream wildly after running through multiple spider webs. Mainly because it’s disgusting and at 5am you just don’t see them coming. Who wants that kind of surprise before the sun comes up?
~Sometimes I sing on a run. Out loud. Because life is just too short not to. And when Crave comes on by Parachute I just can’t help myself. Ask my bootcamp girls who are victims to this song on repeat as they burpee their guts out(Is Parachute even a cool band? My just as young as me husband had no idea who they were. I’m guessing Spotify wouldn’t steer me wrong here. And I love this song, so there. Go have a listen).
~I hate running with actual real live people. I feel the need to speed up or slow down, talk when I don’t feel like it or act like I’m totally “feeling” it even if I’m not. I hate that kind of pressure. Yes, it’s totally self-inflicted as no one has ever intentionally made me feel that way, but it’s just a thing for me. There have been a few friends who have been the exception to that rule(basically if I’ve agreed to run or have run with you, then you know you have hit a whole new level with me), but not many.
~I can’t talk on the treadmill and run at the same time. I’ll fall off. I’m sure it’s a real condition.
~I once had to stop and pee 4 times while on a run. When I got home my husband(whom I LOVE but for real you guys. How do fathers of CHILDREN not know these things?) asked why it took so long. Shut up dude. I’ve had 3 kids. You push 3 humans through your birth canal and tell me what havoc it wreaks on your bladder. Jumping jacks will never be the same. Nor will running.
~While listening to Unbroken on my phone on a 20 mile run, I had to stop and sit down on the curb and ugly cry at the end of the book. Clearly, it had been a while since I’d had a good cry, and that story is that good. I usually cry in the shower. Bonus confession.
~I quit playing basketball as a middle schooler because I hated the running part. It made me want to curl up in the fetal position and die a very fast death. Because running was torture. I didn’t start running until I was 25 and it took me another year or two to fall in love with the sport. And even then, there are still days that it totally and completely sucks. #keepinitreal
~coffee before a long run…or any run=FAIL. Our digestive system was just not meant to withstand this kind of torment.
~I hate running without my watch. I’m a slave to the stats but then I leave them on my watch never to be seen, heard from, or looked at again. I don’t do Garmin Connect or load any of it to my computer. Because that makes total sense and is a completely awesome way to use the giant investment that is my Garmin watch. I’m so sorry technology people. I’m just not one of you. I loathe Strava, as an aside. Who wants to feel like the slowest and lamest(it’s a word) runner of a .25 mile hill of torture for the day? If I were a 6 minute mile I may be able to commit to that kind of “accountability and motivation” but really, it just seems like too much. I can’t bear that load. Sorry Strava’ers. #alsoaword
~I strongly dislike running 26.2 miles. And I’ve subjected myself to this strange form of torture 3 times, and may or may not have told a friend I’d do another full with her this year. Which I swore up and down I wouldn’t do. Dang it Kassie. Runner’s are obviously totally logical people who make really wise decisions and never poop in the woods, or behind a bush in the middle of suburbia for all the Nextdoor world to see and then proceed to post about on the neighborhood page(this has NOT happened to me…yet). We all need professional help.
~Chafing is a thing, but I have NEVER experienced this horrid phenomenon. Why you ask? Because I’m pro-active. Two words….BODY GLIDE. Place it everywhere. And by everywhere, I mean your nether regions and upper regions. From your feet to that area north of the belly button but south of your neck. Feel me? Put it in your arm pits and inner thigh where the oh so atrocious rubbing can occur, unless you have the notorious gap that some women speak of. Personally, I think it’s a myth. Most of us experience the rubbing of the thighs, so lather them up good girls and you too can run chafe free. You’re welcome. I heart you, fellow female runner with thigh’s. Let’s unite.
So what about you? I’ve divulged enough. It just needs to stop. But don’t leave me hanging crew. Share away…..because confessions are way more fun with friends.