“God created me—and you—to live with a single, all-embracing, all-transforming passion—namely, a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying his supreme excellence in all the spheres of life.” John Piper
For a short time, at the beginning of this month, I thought my word for the year would be remain. I didn’t want it to be, but this word seemed to define where I was. To remain the same, in this most unhealthy place, terrified me. I’ve mentioned my stuckness, my bike being the catalyst for change for this year, but today, I want to share with you my rock bottom, and the journey I’ve begun to come up from a rather unhealthy place.
As I sit here with my tea(your first clue that things around my world have drastically changed, as coffee is typically my entire world), and my fire-place on a freezing cold day, reflecting, I feel the need to share this journey that I had planned to keep private. I thought it was too personal to share, but then, why have this platform? Not that everything needs to be discussed here, but if something I am experiencing can help just one, why not write about it? And so today I hope and pray that this journey, rather, the message BEHIND this journey, resonates with you and encourages you. I pray it impacts even one.
“Desire that your life count for something great! Long for your life to have eternal significance. Want this! Don’t coast through life without a passion.” John Piper
Last year was hard, and in an effort to be relatable and fun and avoid the tough stuff, I allowed one unhealthy choice to become two, and then three, and so on. And not just with food. I was spending too much(darn you Amazon and your swipe to purchase), eating too much, not working out enough, not taking the necessary care for my body, soul, and mind. I wasn’t spending quality time with my kids. I was tired. I was lethargic. I had zero motivation. I wasn’t trying. I felt like a big fake. I wasn’t living a healthy life, I was just posting pretty pictures that made it look like I was.
We all fall into hard seasons. ALL of us. And I found myself in an unusual place filled with self-doubt, shame, frustration, lack of energy, and maybe even some mild depression. This is something that I’ve never quite experienced at this magnitude. All I wanted to do was sit in bed and drown my frustrations with myself in Grey’s Anatomy and Whataburger. And you guys, that’s exactly what I was doing.
I was covering it all with the age excuse. I guess this is just the way you feel as you get older(even though underneath it all, I knew better). Your metabolism tanks. The jeans get tight. You get sorta moody. And these extra pounds? We’ll just call them muscle. Ha! Yea right. But it worked for an entire year. I kept going to PT for injuries, knowing the truth behind them was more than likely the unhealthy choices I was making. I was getting nowhere with my running and hitting one wall after the other.
I was so lost, and it was such a new and uncharted place for me to be. I felt spiritually dry, but then again, I wasn’t taking the time I typically did to foster that relationship with Christ. I was so unsure of who I had become, and completely unsure of how to get back to a healthier self. The healthier wife and mom and trainer and friend and most importantly, child of God. Because as I peeled back all of the layers of struggle, I found a lack of love and connection to the one who created me. I had stepped away from all that I knew to this other place of self-indulgence and self-gratification. I was telling myself yes, to whatever I wanted, and I most definitely was not caring for the body I’d been given.
After my sinus surgery(keep in mind that I had been telling Rob every few months for the past year and a half that I needed to get this extra weight off and start making healthier choices, only to turn around and do everything BUT that) I decided to step on the scale. Now before you go down that road, please see my heart behind this. I understand the number on the scale is just a number. It does NOT tell all. BUT, I do believe it can be a picture of what’s happening in your health if it’s reflection is the same as your poor choices. And mine was. There it was. And it stung.
It was a number I had never seen, 4 lbs more than the heaviest I had ever been, 12 years before. I had managed to have 3 babies and maintain a healthy weight. Not through total restriction, deprivation, or legalism, but through a healthy lifestyle filled with healthy choices and moderation(because ya’ll know I love a good hamburger, and that will never change), self-control, discipline, and enthusiasm for a healthy me, and in turn, a healthy family, both inside and out. This number was a reflection of a hard year. It reflected the excuse that because it was a hard year, I “deserved” whatever vice I was using at the time to sooth the wounds, even though they weren’t good for me. And the thing is, the wounds were healing, many totally healed. They weren’t crippling to begin with, just some bumps in the road as we navigated 2017. But I allowed them to become boulders that stood in the way of my health.
That number reflected the changing of seasons, new roles for me, frustration, heartache and ruts of last year, but I’d be damned(sorry mom) if it represented this new year. It had to go, and with it all the self-doubt and shame of what I had allowed myself to become, and I’m not just talking physically, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I was not finding my worth in Jesus, but in things…and in food.
The physical can often be a reflection of what’s going on inside. And that’s exactly what it was for me. I literally fell to my knees. I knew. I knew I had lost control of these unhealthy choices and lack of care, and it was showing in the way I treated my husband, kids, and home. And that was not ok. I had quite literally just quit trying at life. What on earth?
Upon seeing that sobering number, I knew it was time, and no one was going to do this for me. There is no magic pill or one month program to fix this. It wasn’t a quick change, which is why it scared me so much. 20 extra lbs and a slew of other unhealthy choices don’t just happen over night. They take time to develop, and in turn, they take time to undue. Getting rid of them(the unhealthy choices that is) takes a series of healthy habits to take their place. I knew it would require sacrifice of some things I enjoyed, possibly some criticism or judgement, but I had to do it anyway, and I had no idea how freeing it would become.
I decided, thanks to the urging of a dear friend, to try 80 Day Obsession by Beachbody. I’m a beachbody coach who doesn’t coach ha! I drink my Shakeology and I’ve done the 21 day fix, but that’s the extent of my Beachbody-ing. This 80 day beast is entirely different. 80. Whole. Days. Seriously?! To say I went through some torturous hours of self-doubt is an understatement. But deep down I knew…..this was exactly what I needed. Timed nutrition with portion control(which for me, equals no guess work), focussed workouts 6 days a week, no sweets, no alcohol and a heck of a lot more discipline than I had displayed in a long time. It was time. And so I began my journey on Friday, January 26th. I’m currently on day #13. THIRTEEN!!!!!! Wrapping up week two tomorrow, and I can hardly believe it.
I’ll be sharing more in the days and months to come. Picture updates and some internal struggles, revelations, victories(both on and off the scale) as well as all the nutritional info I learn along the way, but for now, I wanted you to understand where I’ve been, but that I don’t plan to REMAIN there. I had convinced myself that I just didn’t possess any self-control anymore. I was wrong. I’m two weeks in without a single bite of chocolate and using coconut milk in my coffee, I mean, miracles do happen. And here’s the thing, it’s ok to change. It’s ok to realize that where you are isn’t a healthy place to be. It’s ok to want a better self. I have so much to share with you that I’ve learned already. It’s life changing. In two short weeks I can make that claim because already, my heart and mind have changed.
My perspectives are changing. Do I still want ketchup and all the Thin Mints? Yes. Because I’m human, and this isn’t about never wanting those things again. It’s not about deprivation or starvation or being skinny or even that number on the scale. That was just a starting point, the catalyst for showing me how desperately I needed change. This is about building healthy habits back into my life, both in my nutrition and exercise but also in my spending, my parenting, how I treat my amazing husband(I could write an entire post, and probably will, about his encouragement these past few weeks. He is my rock and is doing a lot of it right beside me), how I run our home, how I care for my soul and my walk with Christ. It’s about that self care, in all area’s, that I have lacked. The “thin mints,” so to speak, had such a grip on me. They had assumed control over my life, and that filtered into so many other areas beyond my physical health or any number on a scale. Those things were merely a reflection of what was going on internally. Ahhh!!!! I’m so excited ya’ll!!!!
More to come as I blog this journey, and as I learn the art of saying NO, my official word of 2018(sounds weird right? ha. I get it, but just wait! It’s going to be so good). Please follow along. Please be encouraged. Please ask questions. Please do this with me! Reach out, I’m here if you need a safe space or a soft place to land, but know I will do my best to encourage you to step out into something new if need be. A new start perhaps. Please pray for me as I avoid all the chips and queso haha! It’s HARD! But hear me, it is most definitely NOT impossible. xoxoxo
“I will not waste my life! I will finish my course and finish it well. I will display the Gospel of the grace of God in all I do. I will run my race to the end.” – Paul”